Transition
I’ve finally identified why I’ve felt so mixed-up and weepy in the last couple weeks (and maybe why I’ve been all weird and emotional for the last, oh, six months). I think the issue is that my life is essentially one big transition right now, and being the OCD, neurotic nut that I am, this freaks me out. I like things to be very organized, planned, clear, etc, and the more I get into college and closer to adulthood, the less defined everything becomes. Instead of knowing what’s expected of me, like, “Go to this class, turn in these three assignments, get good grades on them”, I don’t have obvious requirements for life.
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, of course. One of the great things about life is that you’re free to make your own choices and pursue whatever you want. The problem is I don’t know what I want. This is especially frightening in light of the fact that I will probably be a college graduate this time next year. What will I do then? I haven’t the faintest fucking idea.
I know that opportunities have a tendency to turn up (though they do require some seeking out), and I’ll figure it out as I go, but the idea of not having a clear path after I graduate from UCSD is really very terrifying. I think what I need is to build my confidence so that I can tackle life successfully. That’s difficult to find in this transitional stage though - college is that weird time between childhood and adulthood where you’re treated simultaneously as a kid and as a functional member of society by both parents and other adults in the world. While I enjoy being treated as an adult and want more of that, and the independence that accompanies it, I also want to retreat into my childhood and not have to face the reality of life. Bad attitude, Steph. Step out and face the day!
I think my studying abroad will really help with the independence and confidence thing - I’ll be put in a situation where I have to be adult and self-sustaining and I think that’ll be a really good experience. That’ll happen more in Ireland than Scotland, since Scotland is a pretty hand-holding program as opposed to the Irish one. But that’s good, I’ll get the kid version and the adult version, so to speak.
In summary: This transitional time weirds me out. Will build confidence to kick life in the face and conquer it.
